(Originally posted on our former blog site on 3/20/2015)
They say that women have fifty thousand words to use each day, and I don't know if I believe them.
I mean seriously, have you met a toddler?
At the end of a long day you will never catch me looking to strike up a conversation. You will however find me posted in my pajamas on the couch, coffee in hand (don't judge me and my late night caffeine fix), watching one of my favorite crime shows- or Nashville, because... Nashville- gloriously basking in the silence.
Silence that lasts only in five minute increments I might add.
Because Jacob has to pee. Or poop. Or needs water. Or wants to cuddle. Or keeps talking to Michael because they share a room to make space for our one-day adopted daughter and now they are fighting because Michael is tired and Jake. Won't. Stop. Talking.
It is bedtime Jake. Bedtime is for children to doze off into dreamland and adults to be reminded that they have brains that once solved more intellectual problems than where the last piece of the puzzle could be. Or why the Cat in the Hat has silly words. Or where in the world that stinkin' other sock could have walked off to. Jake, it is of the utmost importance for you to stop talking so the world can rest and wake up with enough strength to conquer whatever tomorrow will hold.
The utmost importance.
So please, for the love of my sanity, stop talking, and just go to bed. You will thank me tomorrow.
And this, this is where God speaks to me. This is where it all changes.
Because just like my hyper active, overly talkative three year old- I won't be still. I won't just lie down and rest. I won't stop talking. And it isn't just that I won't, with everything in me I feel that I can't.
Because we are in the middle (or maybe the end or even the beginning, who knows) of our adoption that has no end in sight and I am so done with seeing moms walk down to the park hand in hand with their little girls or post pictures getting pedicures when God promised that to ME. When that was supposed to be ME and MY daughter walking to the park or posted in that picture. When will it be MY time?
Because my family is going through a lot right now and I am MILES away. I can't be there to hold my moms hand as she goes in for test after test, or appointment after appointment because she just found out that she has cancer and there are no answers yet. There isn't even a plan yet. Why does it take so long to come up with a stinking plan??? And I can't help my dad, who has now broken his back for the third time in less than two years, with chores around the house because he is even more OCD than I am and a clean house is like peace to the soul. I can't. Why can't I DO anything?
Because we are youth pastors of a church plant and our house can only fit so many students before someone shows up and thinks, "there is no room for me here". But there is! There is room! Somewhere, someway, I will find room for you because I WANT you here, I want nothing more than you to feel WANTED here. Because God wants you here! Why can't we have THAT huge house with enough room for anyone and everyone to feel like they belong? Don't we work hard enough? Aren't we just as deserving?
And in all the craziness that surrounds this season that I find myself in, I hear God urging me to "rest". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN GOD? How am I just supposed to do nothing and lay down right now?
But I did, I stopped. I laid down.
For about five minutes... and then in that "resting" position I began to ask God to talk to me. To answer my questions. To give me guidance. To give my family peace.
I would be quiet if He would just start talking.
And I was reminded of Jacob who is never ready for bed, who cannot handle the silence. And I am that strong willed child that can't handle God being silent, even in my rest.
So here I am, waving the white flag. Laying down. Being still. And most importantly not asking God to speak to me when He has called me to just rest.
Because it is of the utmost importance.
Not for me right now. Right now it feels like I'm moving backwards. Right now it feels like I am accomplishing nothing.
But for the Vanessa that will wake up tomorrow, this is for her. This is for her to have the strength to handle the possible phone call of good or bad news. This is for her to deal with another slap in the face from an overly rebellious toddler. This is for her to see those pictures plastered all over social media of things she wants and have the ability to truly be happy for them. This is for her.
Resting isn't for you, it is for the you that will wake up to face tomorrow.
Rest is for her.
So please, just rest. Because she is going to need it.
Psalm 46:10 Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God.
(I have a sneaking suspicion that we could all use a good, lay down in the grass and feel the sun on our faces, kind of moment... so go outside and enjoy this beautiful spring day. The best thing you can do in moments of overwhelming uncertainty, is to do nothing. So go outside. Do nothing. Remember how good God is, and tell your brain to take a breather.)